randysdot's Blog

nope.. almost, not yet !!!

:~( Bla
I hate blocks........

OK  ok  what I'm sayin' is: as we get older, Grandma seemed to be shrinkin' in stature / height, as to our remembrances.

To me, my reflection for today is:
  My life seems just like my recollection of  my granny, as I grew up.
It appears my needs, like her, are gettin shorter/Smaller and shorter/Smaller the older I get...
I had a nice two story house with a big yard, then a townhouse, with no cares about landscaping, now a ranch on a tiny plot with about 15 feet of grass and a busy street...

I guess the next step is a rental with just a window!!!

 for as I get older my needs seemed to have changed from what I thought success was , is, or should be!
 Even how I think I needed to assist the image of success and and how others viewed me threw my possessions.
unknowingly as I progressed through life, (it), placed exacting demands upon me and I fail to equate happiness with perception.
I am a broken person...
I think as I have become a bit more mature and wiser, I have come to the realization an
Screw that kinda' thought arose ,as my worries about others concerns regarding my performance are tied up with my insecurities.. Glad they're seemingly shrinkin" like grandma... 

And as always






 

Well it's been a tough last two months just wondering what, where and when.

  I''ve moved out to new, smaller place, being now both my kids are grown and out .
In July, I took my daughter back to her old home stompin" grounds

where all her friends are, so she can live her own direction , pray she listened,( while around my sphere of influnce ) and makes well thought out decisions on whom, what and which way to lead her life.

Wish her The greatest Life ahead and will miss her dearly everyday .

There's not much for me
to do now

  except downsize and try to get by being a bit more on my own, filling my time with  newer places to see, maybe trying something different and trying to come up with some kinda direction that will be at least fufilling or purposeful, I just am not sure what it might be yet...
I did make it an effort to get to Nigara on my way back up north , never been there, always wanted to go and

am glad I went, it was a nice deversion....

  and as always I'll try to find something that'll help me get by a bit better

 

K,
 I could go on and on forever, about everything I saw ,when I finally walk back into my house May 1st !!!
I won't, except to say _ ever had one of those days as you looked and walk around your place, open doors and enter another room,all that came out of your mouth was MFers..... lol

We'll least to say, the smell was a kicker: on the street: in the House and your eyes burnt as you walked in the House....
1st:
 was to open the house, I mean Open!!!!
2nd:
 I ran out to Home depot to get Cleaning supplies and when I came back I noticed that someone had came in the house while I was gone, took some of the stuff and left..
don't worry there was like 2 dumpster of crap , yes crap left in the house and I was happy at least they took a little more.... LOL

So back out to the depot I ran and bought locks and changed out the locks quick...

There was so much filth, that I really was at a lost and walked around in a daze for about an Hour until I though...
I"ll just start in the Kitchen...

I started  by cleaning the sink, then the wall by the sink!

It and all other was walls in the house had sooooooo much dirt, food, grease, smoke hair, my god how do you live like this....
Oh i forgot to mention they were nice enough to paint My light beige semi gloss walls a nice olive green...

Guess what happen?

I touch the walls with clean soapy water and poof....


 it all came off.... Thank god for Idots..

Lesson 1 don't paint over dirt, grease and smoke..
Lesson 2 Don't paint a Flat latex in a Kitchen over a Semi Gloss.. thank God they did !!! 

3 days of stripping walls , moldings, over painted outlets, cabinet doors ,and floors and I could finally really clean the orignal dirt on the walls they tried to hide with the flat paint...

I had to paint the kitchen 4 times totally 2 Kiltz primer and 2 full coats of Semi gloss, Plus all the trim!!!
it took close to6 total days over the next two months to finish...Mfs and that's just the Kitchen, I got 7 rooms on the bottom floor...
It's gonna take a while...

So Over the next few days, as I was getting Sick waking up smelling the house, I thought I need to try and kill off the smell....
every room , every piece of carpet had to be pulled up and cut and tied and toss..

The renters said;" it might just need cleaned", when I spoke to them last and as I pulled up the carpet again that MFers start poppin" out of my mouth




During my two month cleaning spree, one day, I found a animal fire  fighter rescue label that fell /  couldn't stick to a window,( behind the radiator), that stated they had 7 ( SEVEN) cats.... Mfers  lol

to be continued

 When Pigs Fly  
        
 

I've kinda threw this tag on this little ditty about my ex-renters, whom were ask to vacate this past April..

Introduction:

The story starts as I moved up North and rented my house in Da Burgh 3 years ago because of a work transfer...

The renters were From Ny and I corresponded to these two people who claim:" they'd keep the house in the same condition, as when they moved in"!

My wife and I live here for 18 years, raised our son and daughter in this nice 1927 2story Clapboard home. added an addition over those years as the family grew and always maintain a very "annally" clean home, and yard.... me I have aquired OCD and suffered this malady as part of my cronic ptsd...LOL at least something good came from getting bonked in the head    ;).....
 
 
 Ok I got bored of posting, so this is half the first floor only
 

As for our requirements to rent the house, there were some basic responsibilities requested, before I was agreeing to rent to them:
such as up keeping the yard maintenance,Cutting the small 12 X 12 front grass patch, raking the leaves in the fall trimming the few hedges... ...
cleanliness of the interior, and most importantly basically be good neighbors to those whom lived around them!

Kinda Like most normal people without issues should attempt to do!!!

Just maybe I'm just a dreamer and have lofty Ideals?

 The first request that came forth was:

they stated their mother in law was moving in also.. As for me No problem!!!

Second: A cat, again no problem, a cat was fine! My kids had one growing up most of their Lives I kept up with it as all parents end up doing ;)  ..

 I again stated my wishes and desires for these newer tenants and was assured by them;,"that friends never would take advantage of friends and never do things like that !!!"
I felt a bit reassured, but still wasn't too too happy about having to leave and move to a new town.....

At the time of exchange of keys,a funny set of events started....
I just didn't understand?
The mother in law was hiding in the van, when they first arrove, as they were finally showing up at 10 O'clock at  night 3 hours late..

Ok I asked.........
They claimed she wasn't presentable/ shy or maybe uncomfortable.....

"non-sense",I exclaimed," have her come in!"

 when she did she was a bit ragged and smelled allot like cat pee...
HMMmmmmm OK.......
The rolodex cards started flipping in my mind to equate the look and Smell to logic...
 
Hmmmmm OK NY to Da burgh, 8 hrs+ cat in van.... Ah  had to suc....

come to mention it now they all smelled a little like cat pee....;)

I greeted them, handed them the keys and reassured them I'd be in town the next few days and not to hesitate if they needed anything,  as I attempted to hit the door to breath a bit of fresh air, as I was really thinking and preparing for the trip of mine up north country..

They Raved about the house and were all beams,( as I stopped quickly and again bantered and extolled the effort that was taken to make my house a home for my kids and I hope they enjoyed and appericated the new diggs)......
 

 

They smiled as I was leaving, and what I didn't know was:
 that they meant they had no intentions of keeping the house up and doing basic maintenance, like washing the windows, sinks,baths or floors and neatly placing the garbage out on refuse day,why?, because we weren't friends....

 

MFS....

sry

to be continued  .... Ever stood in the street and smelled a house from 50 ft away I guess there's a first for us all.................
    

 I Love being back, Hey to all
A bit of an update I went traveling for two months but got stuck remo-ing my old house because of pigs whom I trusted and rented my house out to, thanks for trashing my dreams guys....any hoot... Stuff happens..and unfortunately I'm  not yet a supporter... yet.... maybe if I can save enough after all the expenditures... so I'll say hey here on my blog a bit at a time, Hope your all are doing well!!!
for me it was glorious to just get out, even if it wasn't like I hoped and I literally worked my arse off for almost 2 months ...Oh well
As yo might Know ---> every time I turned around at home I was saying MFers they really did trash everything, broke all the doors never cleaned and oh well.... I'll just use what I feel is My way of comunicating my feelings..Music... and pick up the pieces MFers...:)..



 
Be safe Luv Ya all, well ok not my ex renters...   ;)

 

Warmer weather Makes thinking and going out and about my wants easier, not having to fear freezing or being cold if stuck outside..

With that said I gonna take off , leave and do some stuff I was thinking of  getting done for a long time, since I moved to the artic tundra of Northern exposure and got locked away..

Conversing not been an easy thing, for the last few years at least, for I look to my faults and wonder as my times so mucked up and why should I be privileged to share someones Else's slice of interjection..

Since I been in my self emposed cell the last few years , recently looking to Ep ,It has been nice to look upon others chats, these bits of others lifes,dreams and wishes hoping for something to inspire me to attempt such a large leap of faith into rally a line or two without feeling so unimportant and maybe sharing... 

I'd like to take this time to thank some of you for the help ....

I'm gonna go away, wander off and leave New Hampshire for awhile and head a bit west, maybe home for a few weeks , then maybe ..if I'm lucky enough maybe see my Old family farm along the way and kick around those old family plots so long hidden, forgotten in the advancement of time and separation of offspring... ,

.  I'll try to check back from time to time, but as life I haven't a clue, Like when I was young what might happen or how things will turn out? But for me to go own my own is surley a great first step forward

Thanks for the shout outs in the past, see ya all,  If ya leave may your steps be easier ones as you move around,

A bit of American to ease me out and pay homage to those that came first.. The Carter family@ 1927

MAybell Addington Carter..went on stage Some 47 odd years to still do alright..

Thanks for the effort..

..

 Rebuilding my library of music that stirs memory implants of happier times, I just fight to hear all those tunes which floated on those lose snapshots inside the darkness of  corners

 so infrequently gazed upon so I might just remember the person whom listened ...

Randy 2001... I'm going away and need to rehear my list of favorites maybe there's an decipher

or bind that can be found amongst those bits and bars that floated past in my youth...

 

I just wanta live when I'm alive. It's my life, give it back.........

2000

 

Times press on and so does the darkness just I'll just fade away !!!

Just turn off the radio and open the library

1999

 

 

 

98~~~~tune

I'm gone~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

Walking through the darkness is a scary thing, a scary place for someone to tread all alone..

I like to  take this time to remind those that might stumble across my blog , that I post as an exercise, to assist myself and those that may feel similar in life,( Lost)...

 

 As I look around now wondering just how it all happen, how it has taken quite a long trip...

I've came from the dark into the light fighting along the way, battling the Spooks and ghost that haunted my being as long as I can remember..

The journey from late 60's into present day was like opening and closing a curtain in my life . Going from light to dark, back to light, even if I wasn't able to control the trip and I finally come to realize it was all worth the newer days that unfurled.....

Even though someone reading my past post ,might not think so , getting hurt was beneficial in some ways..

I got to be a stay at home dad later after post accident, at times quite a challange and see my children grow and interact from birth to graduation and help them make better more thoughtful decisions growing up, what to be cautious of and what to embrace, those things that make life fun and happy.........

I relearned just how soft and caring that guy was, that got lost along the way again...

and I got to share a story, being even though a little confusing to some, but hopefully helpful to others...

Those others / Someone whom might have felt lost and alone from head trauma which resulted in PTSD..

As I reached out and attempt to hopefully explain how I perceived life pre accident, how a certain tragedy happened to me, How those outside of my sphere of control reacted to shield themselves, causing me additional unjust pain and confusion,

How I perceived that, how I reacted, dealt with it,( flight response of hiding inside oneself), and then How I came to sort of closure or understanding and made an attempt to move on by coming here,recalling and posting hopefully to help you and I towards a better understand of what happen ... Through knowledge we learn to accept and hopefully move forward...

I don't post my blog to cause concern or for anyone to feel pity, I did it so others that suffered PTSD , shouldn't feel guilty or push blame upon themselves to feel safe, but understand others might feel the same also...,

Allot of varied things can befall anyone, and while I don't wish for that to ever happen, I come and post in an attempt to enlighten and support those that seemingly felt a need to flee, hide and be safe,  for we all want to just feel safe as we go through life... For some of us who can't flee physically we traverse into our own minds for solace, what better place to flee and hide than right inside ones own mind, unknowingly its a very dangerious place at that..

I'm not spreading sunshine around to tell a good tale or that it's gonna be Alright and you'll be the same, for surly I'm not the same person that was happy and content,( pre accident / hurt), some 13 odd years ago...

I still have certain physical and mental limitations that I have to deal ,cope with and adjust to on a daily life, but I have come along way along my journey, so might you also by reading and understanding what some go through. finally how it's best to come to terms with who you now are, the best your able........

Probably the most difficult thing for me, was to come to the acceptance of what happened , how it happen, effected me and how I strive to be that guy in a Story / post I wrote about in the past .. That guy I  apparently missed just such a short time ago, one that I Loved so growing older with but was dissociated from, the one I view who posted, the other me:

to a question : is Chivalry dead ?

And As I reflect upon my life's journey as aspirations to which path I should follow...

HMmmmm... Much time has past, since I read the many works and attempt to emblazoned such a crest upon my soul.
 At first it shone bright and Loving, always re polished by renewed tails,dreams and perceived works of those I've seen toiled, battled,and fallen before me.
 As I journeyed across the field of life and beheld additional travails, unnoticed, it wained, becoming fainter and more tarnished as those whom objected to its Adolescent high lofty goals of esteem, towards interaction and equality.
 So Like our Friend in the story , one who rises and falls with compassion, strident and hopeful .

He whom returns to polish and seeking true understanding in Hope, finds himself questioning sanity , reality and whether or not the events become a story of Faith and valor or just the injustice of the times .
I rise up and hope ,but only fall again, to the weakness that control my being. God I love the Hope of it all

 My Standards still wave in the face of today's Societal citizenry, yet most seem to use them to their own practice.
There are those of us who truly bleed at the ignoble use of these personal interjections.
 I can unequivocally claim they're not dead...I bow and ask your forgiveness to this rashness...

Even though in reality It seemed that I had split selves, the hiding me and the active me, I hated the active me, for he was someone whom acted not at all like the hiding me wanted too and caused me additional tribualtions of reflectiveness......

He was unkept, frighten,scared,spoke little , paced allot and just wanted to be safe and had I known that , I would have come back along time ago to kick his butt out and claim that which was mine, My life but the hiding me was only looking at his reflection and so saw himself and stay hid..

One hell of a circle it is....

 May your days be sweeter and  nicer ones than those that have gone before..

YF

Randy
 

 

 

 

 

Reflecting back to those days of youthful innocence , not knowing and just being inquisitive about life and the listen in the background to tunes as you play, those truly were the days where music use to make me smile..

What a suc full year of darkness and despair 1997... started off bad and just got worst and worst as allot of people seemed to be losing it... As it progressed, I saw some of thoseThat I had fond thoughts of were Knocked down and out down...I'm continually crying wishing to just die...

Think I'll just go away a bit deeper to those days where music use to make me smile ...

by march I'm finally getting help in combating what happened through other doctors, as I continue my decent

in that darken world of lost souls and time...

 

Top (& hits I listened to while trying to make sense as I comfort my children and myself...

How Do I Live, LeAnn Rimes

 

 

Celine Dion - All By Myself , don't wanta be..

 

Change the World, Eric Clapton or at least my life in it

 

and in my wallowing looking for help and answers as more tunes relate and spin by:

A Long December - Counting Crows

Barely Breathing, Duncan Sheik ...

Don't Let Go (Love), En Vogue

We're Not Making Love No More

 Every Time I Close My Eyes, Babyface

hard to say i'm sorry - AZ Yet - (featuring Peter Cetera) (1997)

Everyday Is a Winding Road, Sheryl Crow

By mid summer I have  support and a lawyer to fight off the personal assualts by my employeers legal staff and company doctors that caused me to suffer A complete breakdown and Cronic PTSD wondering why no one was listening at my job and just how those I helped and trusted in turned on me....

top news 1997;

Hello Dolly...

In February, Scottish researchers announced that, for the first time, they had cloned an adult mammal. Some scientists celebrated a sheep named Dolly, seeing the key to improved livestock; others demurred, urging the end to research on cloning humans.
They said they devised a way to use the genetic blueprints inside a single adult cell to create a new individual with its panoply of differing cells, tissues, and organs. And they said it could be used to make unlimited numbers of identical clones.

this immediately resurrected the controversy over potentially cloning humans that last surfaced in 1993...

Death by comet:

In March, 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult had a simple plan: They would shed their earthly ''containers'' and board a spaceship trailing the Hale-Bopp comet.

En route, members had abandoned family. Some embraced castration. They wore black, wore their hair in bowl cuts, refused alcohol. Besides praying and preparing, they designed Web pages.

When the time was right, they drank a mix of vodka, sedatives and pudding. Found in a rented, hilltop mansion outside San Diego, they were neatly dressed in new, black Nikes and covered with purple shrouds.

21 year old Tiger Woods' wins overwhelming victory in the Masters

which not only broke records but shook social barriers and pushed golf to unprecedented popularity, was voted top sports story of 1997.
A 12-stroke victory by Woods at Augusta National Golf Club in April won out over the heavyweight title fight in June when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear.

 

While Diana, 36, and Dodi, 41, had seemed quite happy to let the press snap moments of tenderness and even passion during their short courtship, on Saturday they lost patience with the paparazzi who had gathered outside the Ritz.in PARIS - They died, in some ways, as they had lived: in a high-speed journey through the most glamorous and luxurious sections of Paris, known as the city of lovers

Shortly after midnight, they abandoned their car and leaped into a Mercedes driven by the chief of security for the Ritz. He spun the Mercedes through the Place de la Concorde -- the 18th-century square renowned for its obelisk, a relic of a Napoleonic campaign, and for its executions, including that of Marie Antoinette.

Still, the Place de la Concorde is considered one of Paris's most beautiful nighttime attractions.

The Mercedes then turned westward, racing along the Seine's right bank, one of the longest stretches in Paris without a stoplight. Several paparazzi followed on motorcycles.

About 12:35, the driver lost control of the car, striking first a pillar and then a wall in a tunnel under the Pont D'Alma. The accident occurred in Paris's 8th arrondissement, dubbed ``the Gold Corner'' because of its luxury shops.

The Mercedes crumpled like a tin can.

Fayed died almost instantly, as did the driver. The princess and a bodyguard were seriously injured, and had to be cut out of the wreckage.

 

'Mother of poor' laid to rest

Calcutta wept with the world this fall. Mother Teresa, the revered Roman Catholic nun who ministered to India's ''poorest of the poor,'' died of a heart attack at 87.

Late in 1991 My son's like a monkey now , he can climb over any obstacle and is so damn cute and funny...
My daughters lovely and soft and Oh such a young girl, all frilly and the such...
My wife's just as lovely and happy ...
Me, I'm stepping up caring for the kids in the early  to mid-day, then working late evenings, so they're not too separated from My wife or myself for to too long...

I dancing to my favorite tunes playing My life !!!   put an addition on the house, Just needed more room with the munchkins and a third on the way.......   Christmas 1991 is fast approaching and we're expecting our third son, then On Christmas morning @ 1:30am my wife's complaining of cramps, we call an ambulance and as I'm following her in my car, I notice the Paramedic look up through the doors at me, somethings wrong.. She suffered a full term mass abruption and was forced to delivered our third child still born, and almost bled out....
2 days of Idle intense worry in ICU and I go home to bathe...  
1992's fine but somber,spring Works been getting really hard lately, a bit depressed from what happened... I'm not as enthused about Gardening as I use to be..:(
I think its not said , but we pretty much have had enough thoughts on having more children, for the pains too great, when you lose one child and face the night of almost losing my love also.. This was a reason enough to sustain from even mentioning or volleying into this issue....

 

1993's OK great to go to work to escape..
 

1994's fine,doing better at work and the kids are in pre school  

Summer 94,Corporate announces new policies for workers... I was fired and rehired now as an associate so they could force lower management,( Me) to work outside fair labor laws and now have us volunteer to work 50+ hrs a week to keep our jobs..
Just seems that's the way Corporate Americas moving to reduce wages/ overtime and employee benefits, so they're more profitable...

95 work's laying people off , losing market share and now I'm working 70+ hrs, but really still love my job and
the families doing fine...   I got two Kids and beautiful wife , Love my job and responsibilities, I chugged ahead and now start to do outside seminars on my free time for the elderly, arthritic, heart associations and run weekly clinics to educate people on how to do stuff themselves around there homes... lock ins and the such ...

96 I'm still on top of the world , but a bit tired, I'm stretching myself out allot and then on 12-16-1996
I'll hafta say that's the day when My music really died....

  I have a work related accident, the fear and fright that would grow outta control in just a few short weeks ,

The company's attacking me trying to shield there assets, as I complain about noticed tenancy's of neurological concerns and reactions that are adversely affecting me at work..., I going through interrogations and being called on the carpet in time by company lawyers and doctors and My wife and I are at wits end with no representation as what's going on or what we  should do...

This causes me to fear loss of income , family, and acceptance .. I'm gonna fry my brain worrying.... and that's exactly what I did ... I start fleeing... Over the next weeks ,all along my way stumbling while reflecting.. I'm feeling lost like when I was hurt in the service then, diving deeper into darkness , Hurting a fearing life similar to earlier in life as I was growing and feeling all those people who attacked my being  while growing up...

I'm crawling and calling out into a despair of attempting to find some kind of safety, where none could be found.... Years pass and  for those memories were all that,  Illusions where I dwelt seeking safety..  

      I am gone......... see ya in 2009...

1990 coming to an end , seeing the birth of my son in August of 89, now anticapating a daughter @ xmas this year..

lifes been better than expected,  almost beyond belief and is seemingly The answer that heaven sent down to me for all my pains of the past, to tell me it'll be oK..

music's still banging softly away, reminding me of happy times and sharing with my love...

It's as everything that's touched, is of love...

settling into life seems like  going to bed in the nightime.....till now, it's never been more comforting than this time in my life....

My daughters born 12-23-90 and she's a Cutie... :)

songs I love in 90:

 

Vision of Love, Mariah Carey

Here We Are, Gloria Estefan ...  I'm helpless in your arms..

 

Black Velvet, Alannah Myle... love the gritty leather look about a southern rockin' kinda love

 

Love Shack by the B-52's and I'm still reflectiong to that OLd 60 Caddy I used to go crusin in that could hold about 20and know my Lifes a complete analogy Loveshack, going around and around  and around...

 

addtional flights of the mind...

Everything, Jody Watley.. my life would never ever be the same without your touch

 

I'll Be Your Everything, Tommy Page ... I'll be your lover and your best friend, I'll Be Your Everything
 

With Every Beat of My Heart, Taylor Dayne ....  if you stay in the game, you feel the fire

Free Fallin', Tom Petty  

 

top news 1990   Freedom for Nelson Mandela
Leading anti-apartheid campaigner Nelson Mandela has been freed from prison in South Africa after 27 years.
"Our struggle has reached a decisive moment. Our march to freedom is irreversible."
"Now is the time to intensify the struggle on all fronts. To relax now would be a mistake which future generations would not forgive,"
Now 71, the lawyer from the Transkei homeland was convicted of treason and sabotage in June 1964 and sentenced to life
Iraq invades Kuwait Aug 2 1990: More than 100,000 Iraqi soldiers backed up by 700 tanks invaded the Gulf state of Kuwait in the early hours of this morning.
Iraqi forces have established a provisional government and their leader Saddam Hussein has threatened to turn Kuwait city into a "graveyard" if any other country dares to challenge the "take-over by force".
The United Nations Security Council, in emergency session, has called for the "immediate and unconditional" withdrawal of Iraqi forces from Kuwait. British Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, branded the invasion as "absolutely unacceptable" while American president George Bush condemned the attack as "a naked act of aggression." So far there has been no condemnation of the attack from any Arab country.
 
On 9 August 1990 the UN Security Council voted 15-0 to declare Iraq's annexation of Kuwait null and void.
During the next three months allied forces were deployed to the region as part of Operation Desert Shield. The Soviet Union stated it would not participate in military action. The Gulf crisis intensified and President Bush continued preparations to remove Iraq from Kuwait by force. Iraq ignored all deadlines set by the West to end its occupation of the Gulf state.  

 

Hubble space telescope launched.
 

 

Milli Vanilli are stripped of their Grammy Award after it emerges that they did not sing at all on their album.
 

Working, Playing at homemaking and having faith in each other, has worked out better than we could have imagined..

Attending sonagrams , birthing classes and awaiting an arrival of a new child, was all worth it, even if my wife yelled for me to:" Quit Fuc_in' Breathing on her" during the breathing exersices in the delivery room...LOL...

Uhhhh.....Ok Sweetie ... ;)

My son's born in 89 and I call my dad exclaiming:" Dad look whats landed on my door"...
I'm doing well at work,  happy , content with married life, New child and helping that special someone to feel wanted , needed and just as lovely as the day we met we're definitely beating as one..

 

Days of early morning 2 hrs cat naps, doting over your special little child, and seeing them require your attention,drives / gives you extra reason to excel and move in the proper directions with lifes choices..

If you don't put faith in what you believe in, it's gettin" ya' no where !!!

A very special and apperciated event, to hold your son in your palms, seeing that untarnished life looking towards you for comfort and support..

in the background, the musics a bit softer, as you endoctrinate him into your world of happiness and hope,

you can take me to the sky...

Lost in your eyes- Debbie Gibson

 

 

Eternal Flame - The Bangles

 

She Drives Me Crazy - Fine Young Cannibals

 

And they just keep coming..

When i see you smile -

 

 

All the songs speaking of A love that's gleeful and happy as my life is...

 

Happenings in our World, one of hope and sadness year 1989...

Berlin wall falls

During its existence from 1961 to 1989, the Wall stopped almost all such emigration and separated the GDR from West Berlin
In 1989, there were a radical series of Eastern Bloc political changes associated with the liberalization of the Bloc's authoritarian systems. After several weeks of local civil unrest following the erosion of political power of the pro-Soviet governments in nearby Poland and Hungary, the East German government announced on November 9, 1989 that all GDR citizens could visit West Germany and West Berlin. Crowds of East Germans crossed and climbed onto the wall, joined by West Germans on the other side in a celebratory atmosphere. Over the next few weeks, a euphoric public and souvenir hunters chipped away parts of the wall; the governments later used industrial equipment to remove most of the rest. The fall of the Berlin Wall paved the way for German reunification. It was formally concluded on October 3, 1990.

Opposition
In the U.S. government and most European capitals at the time there was a deep anxiety over prospects for a reunified Germany. In September, 1989, British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher pleaded with Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev not to let the Berlin Wall fall and confided that she wanted the Soviet leader to do what he could to stop it....

“ We do not want a united Germany. This would lead to a change to postwar borders, and we cannot allow that because such a development would undermine the stability of the whole international situation and could endanger our security. ”

 

 

 

In the spring of 1989, Tiananmen Square, set in the center of Beijing, became the site of largest pro-democracy movement in China in the 20th century

It began with the death of Hu Yaobang, a party leader who had always tried to do things his own way. In 1986, Hu had suggested that it might be time for Deng Xiaoping to retire as paramount leader. In April 1989, recuperating from a heart attack, he suffered a seizure and died.

Hu's seizure was a prelude to China's. His death triggered weeks of massive protests, giddy days in April and May 1989 when throngs of more than a million filled the streets of Beijing, criticizing the growing corruption, and in general demanding more of the democracy that Hu had come to symbolize. And then, after seven exhilarating weeks, it all came to a sudden end. In the early hours of June 4, as the world watched in horror, the tanks of the People's Liberation Army rolled toward Tiananmen Square and troops fired on the crowds, killing hundreds and wounding thousands.

 

Exxon Valdez runs aground  creating largest Oil spill In Pristine North American / Alaska basin

 Exxon Valdez...Exxon Valdez was the original name of an oil tanker owned by the former Exxon Shipping Company, a division of the former Exxon Corporation. It was later called Exxon Mediterranean, SeaRiver Mediterranean, S/R Mediterranean, Mediterranean, and currently Dong Fang Ocean.
The ship gained infamy after the March 24, 1989 oil spill in which the tanker, captained by Joseph Hazelwood and bound for Long Beach, California, hit Prince William Sound's Bligh Reef and spilled an estimated minimum 10.8 million US gallons (40.9 million litres) of crude oil. This has been recorded as one of the largest spills in United States history and one of the largest ecological disasters.

Exxon was widely criticized for its slow response to cleaning up the disaster
Both the long- and short-term effects of the oil spill have been studied comprehensively.
 Thousands of animals died immediately; the best estimates include 100,000 to as many as 250,000 seabirds, at least 2,800 sea otters, approximately 12 river otters, 300 harbor seals, 247 bald eagles, and 22 orcas, as well as the destruction of billions of salmon and herring eggs. The effects of the spill continue to be felt today...

January 27, 2006, the damages award was cut to $2.5 billion on December 22, 2006. The court cited recent Supreme Court rulings relative to limits on punitive damages.

Exxon's official position is that punitive damages greater than $25 million are not justified because the spill resulted from an accident, and because Exxon spent an estimated $2 billion cleaning up the spill and a further $1 billion to settle related civil and criminal charges.

Attorneys for the plaintiffs contended that Exxon bore responsibility for the accident because the company "put a drunk in charge of a tanker in Prince William Sound

Exxon recovered a significant portion of clean-up and legal expenses through insurance claims associated with the grounding of the Exxon Valdez

Also, in 1991, Exxon made a quiet, separate financial settlement of damages with a group of seafood producers known as the Seattle Seven for the disaster's effect on the Alaskan seafood industry.

The agreement granted $63.75 million to the Seattle Seven, but stipulated that the seafood companies would have to repay almost all of any punitive damages awarded in other civil proceedings.

The $5 billion in punitive damages was awarded later, and the Seattle Seven's share could have been as high as $750 million if the damages award had held. Other plaintiffs have objected to this secret arrangement, and when it came to light,

Judge Holland ruled that Exxon should have told the jury at the start that an agreement had already been made, so the jury would know exactly how much Exxon would have to pay

in 2008 , believe that......The judgment limits punitive damages to the compensatory damages, which for this case were calculated as $507.5 million

 

 

 

A year's progessing on and Lifes like wading in the shallow warmer end of the pool, with your love around your neck , spooning, while you nibble on her teasingly sensually....

Best  of times slowly unfold before us and we drift lightly amongst the clorine filled clear waters of seemingly summers soft warm breezes of 1988

Another great year full of Fantasic tunes floating about the air and accompanping our times of happiness, promises and reflections..

Make Me Lose Control- Eric Carmen

 

Allot of tunes Just speak directly to us, as we smile and enjoy eachs company crusin" and moving down the Road of Our Lifes..

BAllads of unending Love and intent...

Angel- Aerosmith

 

and Others wafting about us

The Flame - Cheap Trick

Hands to Heaven / Breathe

Got my mind set on you- George Harrison

"Never Gonna Give You Up," Rick Astley  

Make It Real- The Jets

songs of reflection:

Michael Jackson Man In The Mirror (Moonwalker Version)

 

 

Songs to drown out the worries and keep moving on...

Roll With It - Steve Winwood

 

Top news stories of 88:

Soviets withdraw from Afganistan        

 

Jesse Louis Jackson, Sr.

Run for Office of President....

 (born October 8, 1941) is an American civil rights activist and Baptist minister. He was a candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination in 1984 and 1988 and served as shadow senator for the District of Columbia from 1991 to 1997.

            

He was the founder of both entities that merged to form Rainbow/PUSH.
In 1965, he participated in the Selma to Montgomery marches organized by James Bevel, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and other civil rights leaders in Alabama
When King was assassinated on April 4, 1968, in Memphis, Tennessee, the day after his famous "I’ve been to the mountaintop" speech at the Mason Temple, Jackson was in the parking lot one floor below. Jackson's appearance on NBC's Today Show, wearing the same blood-stained turtleneck that he had worn the day before, drew criticism from several King aides; some King associates also dispute Jackson's description of his personal involvement and also of the sequence of events surrounding the assassination.

                                                                                      

Jackson has been known for commanding public attention since he first started working for King in 1966. His primary goal for this attention has been to give blacks a sense of self-worth.

 

In February 1988,non-denominational American pastor, teacher, singer, pianist, and televangelist Jimmy Swaggart was involved in a high-profile 1988 sex scandal.

Swaggart stirred controversy after a private investigation found he had solicited a prostitute for sex.
Initially Swaggart denied the accusations, but as a media investigation proceeded he acknowledged that some allegations were true. He
later apologized for the acts in a televised broadcast

Pan Am 103 Bombing & Theroies...

 

The Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine - General Command (PFLP-GC) was the first suspect, in light of a threat it issued against U.S. and Israeli interests before the bombing. The state of Iran was also suspected very early, with its motive thought to be revenge for the July 1988 shooting down of Iran Air Flight 655 by USS Vincennes. This theory was later reinforced by Abolghasem Mesbahi, former head of Iranian intelligence operations in Europe, who stated after defecting to Germany that Iran had asked Libya and Abu Nidal, a Palestinian guerrilla leader, to carry out the attack on Pan Am 103.
In his 1994 film The Maltese Double Cross, Allan Francovich suggested that rogue CIA agents were implicated in a plot that involved them turning a blind eye to a drug running operation in return for intelligence.
 
Evidence presented at Megrahi's trial, together with concerns about the reliability of his conviction, spawned a theory that Libya was framed. Abu Nidal allegedly confessed to the bombing before his death, thereby triggering another theory, while Joe Vialls put forward his own explanation that relied on the bomb being detonated remotely. Finally, in December 1989, Patrick Haseldine suggested that the bombing was an assassination by South Africa's apartheid government of United Nations Commissioner for Namibia, Bernt Carlsson.    

 

 

 1988 Us warns about want for Noreiga and calls for his surrender involving Laundring Cartles Money and suppling safe bases of operational support for drug trafficing...

  The 1989 invasion of Panama by the United States removed Noriega

 from power; he was captured, detained as a prisoner of war, and flown to the U.S. Noriega was tried on eight counts of drug trafficking, racketeering, and money laundering in April 1992. Noriega's US prison sentence ended in September 2007; pending the outcome of extradition requests by both Panama and France, he remains in prison as of 2010.  

 

 

How much more can life offer up to try to incourage and also attempt to discouraged and defeat us ?

Wrongful act's coming to light ,some eras of subjucation closing for a more hopeful positive future, 

seemling unjust  actions against others in the name of Causes and a ray of hope maybe the worlds starting to change towards a more higher standard of Ideals towards others....

 

Ideals and  as happiness blessed both our times during this year, while we look towards our future...

. Hope you Enjoyed

 

87 is one hell of a year in my life , fill with the happiness, dreams , a fresher look towards life , a future of sharing and hopeful exploration of each others needs... ..

Stepping up to bind my soul with another , Lifes so much calmer , has meaning, is very nice sharing a dream now, wanta' come along with me?

 Musics still spinning with the help of Mtv, and DJ's , movies and influncing thoughts that  help explain feelings of my life, as I progress into a new direction . My how lifes looks as though it writing songs about us as we go along....  

  A few tracks of 87 the years of uprised hopes...

Open Your Heart -  Madonna

Livin' On A Prayer- Bon Jovi

I Wanna Dance With Somebody-Whitney Houston

Heaven Is A Place On Earth - Belinda Carlisle

(I Just) Died In Your Arms- Cutting Crew

Is This Love -  Whitesnake

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now - Starship

Heart And Soul - T'Pau

Always - Atlantic Starr

I Just Can't Stop Loving You - Michael Jackson

 Hope you enjoy:

 

 

      News events:
 
 Baby Jessica," Jessica McClure falls down the well and is later rescued. Wednesday October 14th, 1987
CNN, then a fledgling cable news outlet, was on the scene with around-the-clock coverage of the rescue effort and it was in part due to this coverage that they were able to begin carving a niche out for themselves in the global media market.... McClure's rescue was credited mostly to paramedic Robert O'Donnell and police officer William Andrew Glasscock Jr.; both received tremendous media attention.
 In 1995, after eight years of having suffered posttraumatic stress disorder from the ordeal, O'Donnell committed suicide. In 2004, Glasscock was sentenced to 15 years in prison on charges of sexual exploitation of a child, sexual assault, and improper storage of explosives..
On January 28, 2006, McClure married Daniel Morales
On March 26, 2011, when Morales turns 25, she stands to receive a trust fund of donations from well-wishers, rumored to be in excess of $1,000,000

   Thatcher re-elected

 Black Monday - Stock market drops 22% on October 19th.

Monday, October 19, 1987,stock markets around the world crashed, shedding a huge value in a very short time. The crash began in Hong Kong, spread west through international time zones to Europe, hitting the United States after other markets had already declined by a significant margin. The Dow Jones Industrial Average (DJIA) dropped by 508 points to 1738.74 (-22.61%)  

 Jessica Hahn is implicated in the Jimmy Bakker scandal
                December 6, 1980, when she was a 21-year-old church secretary, she was drugged and raped by Bakker and another preacher, John Wesley Fletcher..Hahn burst into the media limelight following Bakker's announcement on March 19, 1987 that he was stepping down as head of PTL and Heritage USA, pending the imminent disclosure of the sexual encounter,Investigative journalists and auditors hired by Falwell uncovered $265,000 in hush money paid to Hahn as well as serious financial irregularities that led to the collapse of the PTL empire and Bakker's conviction
 
 Gary Hart scandal with model Donna Rice destroys his career.
 
 Bruce Willis marries Demi Moore, November 21  

 The marriage of Charles and Diana starts to deteriorate, they begin living alone

   Les Miserables is awarded 8 Tony awards, including Best Musical  

top  Best Movies of 1987 movies:
Full Metal Jacket
Director: Stanley Kubrick
Stars: Matthew Modine, Vincent D'Onofrio, Adam Baldwin, R. Lee "Gunny" Ermey
Why a favorite? There's a saying that goes "Well, he's no Kubrick." That goes for pretty much everyone but this guy. Stanley Kubrick. He's the guy. And this is a film so good that not only is it the seminal works on the Vietnam war, but is also one of the greatest anti-war films ever made.

  The Untouchables
Director: Brian De Palma
Stars: Kevin Costner, Sean Connery
 

   Near Dark
Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Stars: Adrian Pasdar, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton
 Easily the single greatest modern vampire film, a film so raw, original and daring that it never, ever, even once uses the word vampire. "What are we?" "We don't know." This movie redefined the vampire lifestyle in fiction and influenced a large amount of vampire literature and film over the following two decades.

   Predator
Director: John McTiernan
Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Shane Black    Lethal Weapon
Director: Richard Donner
Stars: Mel Gibson, Danny Glover  

 Good Morning, Vietnam
Director: Barry Levinson
Stars: Robin Williams, Forest Whitaker  

 The Princess Bride
Director: Rob Reiner
Stars: Carey Elwes, Mandy Patinkin, Robin Wright Penn, Andre the Giant, Christopher Guest, Peter Falk, Chris Sarandon, Wallace Shawn  

Coming outta' my shell , one of isolation and sadness, is always a good thing, especially if ya' got someone ta' share life with....:)

84,85, and the even more in 86, it seemed like the beginnings of coming alive and there's nothing better than being alive...

all those crappy days, that were perplexing and disorganized into what seemed a darken haze, that ill-advised path of life I had walked, which consumed my soul, for oh so long...

Reflecting back, undiagnosed Ptsd seemed to have lasted 7 odd years unchecked and was losing its grip upon me now in 86 ,as the fresh air blew across my hair, filled my senses , I touched the hand and hair of a love that step gently along with me..

A recent Note I read...

In the recent past, I was reading here on Ep about someone whom wished their loved would get over this malady/ complaint or Illness,( PTSD), and couldn't wait till they were the same person they use to know....

That thought tore through me like a reverberating echo ...

one I had feared for so Long, about 10 years ago, in a 98 post accident state I was in...

later in our relationship, being this is person I loved, I later would marry in 87 and have two beautiful children, Just to get hurt in an accident 12 years later into our marriage and re suffer this hell of disposition in life, even worst than the first episode of 7 years before we met, I fear her thinking just that.....

Fearing my Love would ponder the same question, just when would I be that person they use to know?

It crushed my outlook at the beginning so hard...

That mindset actually made me feel inadequate and somewhat of a loser more than I did, even thought it wasn't intended as a dig...

What it did was affirm to acknowledge that they now thought of me as damaged goods, something lacking, maybe not something they were in agreement to and only wanted that old me instead of the newer hurt me...

I understand the thought, but with PTSD you don't, all you think is:

I was still here, still the same person, maybe I cope differently, have issues, but it's still me... 

To look into your loves eyes and perceive that, that is such a crushing feeling upon the heart and will surely stress the relationship...

Actual experpt from # 26 into 27

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/...  I wrote Nov. 1st 2009:

"to others whom just don't get it, I'm sry, I love my wife deeply, even tho ,when she looks at me sometimes, as I'm someone she didn't marry , and I have become somewhat more of a bother, pain, like someone to avoid through diversion, a punching bag for lite insults, slight  jabs about remembering things, stupid stuff I forget to do, and how always I want affection and paw her and as they maybe true and I might deserve them, they hurt so deeply, even if just intended as as passing comment".

 

As for now to, finish with the thought:

Ptsd is something we learn to cope and live with,  possibly ajust to, with enlightenment of how it affects our actions and behaviors..

 Unfortunately we will not be able to be the person you use to know, because you and I never really knew that person, for those stressors have change us forever and we will always know this awareness, that shaking of faith and being...

Will we ever be calm and self assured , Mostly yes, as we become more reassured and adjusted to this event in our life... we will attempt again to live our lives mirroring  those things we deem enjoyable and rally to start again...

 

ANyhoot back to the past 86 I'm on top of the world kinda making future plans as you know  , I kinda gave it all away here because this will be the last post of life pre marriage , if ya want post info go to my page and read, it's all there on post 27 summation...

Anyhow I'm off topic and with that another couple of songs in 86 that are picking me up making me seek sex , Love and more music that just seems to be mirroring my life thru the times I lived...

 

 

How Will I Know, Whitney Houston.. guess i'll just hafta' ta' show ya...
 Addicted to Love, Robert Palmer... oh yes I am
 Stuck With You, Huey Lewis and The News
 Dancing On the Ceiling, Lionel Richie.... lets keep it going till were on the ceiling
 Love Will Conquer All, Lionel Richie ... you know here we stand sweetie..
 Tonight she comes, The Cars.... I know she's gonna save me, she gonna do it one more time
 Throwing It All Away, Genesis... It would turn my world upside down..please don't
 Take My Breath Away, Berlin.... And yes you do...

plus so many more I get lost and with that I hope you enjoy

one of my most favorite groups The Moody Blues>>>

even though this isn't a older recording from 86 :

Your  Wildest Dreams